Boy I can't wait for Black Friday. I'm gonna tear some shit up! I can't wait to trample an old lady to death so I can get my hands on a $40 Blu-Ray player. It's not my fault she's old and slow. I'll be laughing my ass off watching the sweet new Indiana Jones movie in high-def when she's dying at a nursing home with a broken hip. Black Friday isn't decided by who wins the battle, but rather the war. I put together this handy guide of necessary gear so you can be a retail warrior. Nay a retail mercenary!!

Just follow these steps, unless you want to camp outside your local Best Buy just to save $50 on a laptop. Man, then you'd feel like total fucking jackass!

Onward:

First you need to think about what you are going to wear. This isn't a beauty contest, it's a fight to the death. Prepare yourself as if you were stepping into the ring with a 400 lb bull. For this reason I recommend the El Mariachi model from Mundo-Matadores. Just like a real Matador its tight, nut-hugging chaps will prevent any unnecessary snags on annoying children and errant shopping carts.

Since you will be waiting in line at 3 AM in many cases. (Early bird gets a $10 karaoke machine), I recommend the delicious beverage RedBull™ to keep you awake. It has enough caffeine and sugar to snap someone out of a heroine overdose. So to be safe that you are alert enough, I'd drink 7. (Disclaimer: Don't drink 7, I read a dude died after drinking 3)

It's probably a good idea to have satellite internet service available for when credit card machines get overloaded and break down. A working knowledge of the Circuit City internal computer software would be helpful.

Along those lines I also recommend bringing several credit cards, for when you max out your limits buying shit your family doesn't need that you'll never be able completely pay for. I hear WaMu has good rates these days---just what a little bird told me--right before he jumped off a building into truck full of starving cats. Ahem. Moving on.

Lets be honest. You won't be the only muchacho in this rodeo. Are you prepared to dispense justice on some sorry asshole who comes in between you and that coveted 70% of digital camera? I fucking hope so! I recommend you obtain a large wooden dining room table leg and superglue thumbtacks to it. Nothing says that Playstation 3 is mine better than a blunt object with spikes on its barrel. Ikea has good deals this time of year. I highly recommend.

If you do dispense justice and there are pesky witnesses nearby, you might want to talk to my friends at Goldman and Thomas LLP. They are great attorneys and specialize in assault charges. They've kept me out of the klink after several kick ass thanksgiving shopping weekends! Tell them I sent you.

Also if you are thinking about buying gift cards this year, I recommend you get a giant burlap sack with a dollar sign painted on it, so you can deposit and arbitrary amount of cash and give it directly to credit card companies or merchants. We wouldn't have this wonderful day of violence and discount electronics without them, so lets show them how much we care! After all, gift cards are great for their economy. They only made $8,000,000,000 in profits from small unspent balances last year alone. I'm confident we can get them up to $10,000,000,000 if we all stick together on this. YES WE CAN!

Oh...and one final thing. If you think Black Thursday is complete bullshit too then I recommend participating in "Buy Nothing Day." Hands down the easiest form of civic action: inaction. That's right, you can make a difference by sitting on your ass watching Maury Povich. Check out their website for more info.

And please, be safe this weekend. Happy Thanksgiving.

Every four years, the American people wake up on a cool November morning and realize what the hell they just did. Yup, it's election time and that means another chance for the American people to come together and choose for the candidate that sucks less.

We've decided to launch a new site. It's a lot different looking but don't worry, we're still here.

-PZ

I know I know, information is power and all that shit. But seriously, i don't give a flying fuck who you are, if i am looking up information on the internet, it better be free. It I can't buy it in a fucking book, it sure as fuck better be free. I don't want to have to pay for your god damn articles or pay to read your newspaper online. That's just bullshit!

If you are selling an e-book, then i'll give. But if you posted a news story or have one article or white paper on how to do something, then blow it out of your ass. You know why? BECAUSE I CAN GET IT FREE SOMEWHERE ELSE!

That has got to be the dumbest god damn thing i have ever heard. Just post what you have to say and be business-minded enough to realize that if people actually like what you have to say, they might come back and you can get ad revenue. Or, better yet, they might hire you as a consultant or something because you know what you are talking about.

 In case you  are wondering why Jonesey hasn't been posting in a while, it's because he's been busy with the Awkward lawyer trying to sort this mess out.

Oprah is apparently sueing us for "using her name with out her permission." or some bullshit like that. We've been keeping it under wraps until we knew we are in the clear, which we are. Freedom of speach and all of that.

 The drama really came to it's peak when we met with Oprah and her lawyers. I swear to you it was the dumbest thing ever. First of all, Oprah is crazy. She kept asking to be refered to as "Queen Oprah of the Harpo Kingdom" and for some reason, refused to sit in a chair that wasn't made of suede. She actually had some guy bring in one of those chairs from her show to sit on.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1czBcnX1Ww 100x100]

You're right, this has absolutely nothing to do with marketing. But it's freaky and cool at the same time so everyone should see it. It's a Robot Dog made by Boston Dynamics with funding from the defense department. As someone pointed out to me, if this isn't classified, think about all the shit that is.

Creepy.