Boy I can't wait for Black Friday. I'm gonna tear some shit up! I can't wait to trample an old lady to death so I can get my hands on a $40 Blu-Ray player. It's not my fault she's old and slow. I'll be laughing my ass off watching the sweet new Indiana Jones movie in high-def when she's dying at a nursing home with a broken hip. Black Friday isn't decided by who wins the battle, but rather the war. I put together this handy guide of necessary gear so you can be a retail warrior. Nay a retail mercenary!!

Just follow these steps, unless you want to camp outside your local Best Buy just to save $50 on a laptop. Man, then you'd feel like total fucking jackass!

Onward:

First you need to think about what you are going to wear. This isn't a beauty contest, it's a fight to the death. Prepare yourself as if you were stepping into the ring with a 400 lb bull. For this reason I recommend the El Mariachi model from Mundo-Matadores. Just like a real Matador its tight, nut-hugging chaps will prevent any unnecessary snags on annoying children and errant shopping carts.

Since you will be waiting in line at 3 AM in many cases. (Early bird gets a $10 karaoke machine), I recommend the delicious beverage RedBull™ to keep you awake. It has enough caffeine and sugar to snap someone out of a heroine overdose. So to be safe that you are alert enough, I'd drink 7. (Disclaimer: Don't drink 7, I read a dude died after drinking 3)

It's probably a good idea to have satellite internet service available for when credit card machines get overloaded and break down. A working knowledge of the Circuit City internal computer software would be helpful.

Along those lines I also recommend bringing several credit cards, for when you max out your limits buying shit your family doesn't need that you'll never be able completely pay for. I hear WaMu has good rates these days---just what a little bird told me--right before he jumped off a building into truck full of starving cats. Ahem. Moving on.

Lets be honest. You won't be the only muchacho in this rodeo. Are you prepared to dispense justice on some sorry asshole who comes in between you and that coveted 70% of digital camera? I fucking hope so! I recommend you obtain a large wooden dining room table leg and superglue thumbtacks to it. Nothing says that Playstation 3 is mine better than a blunt object with spikes on its barrel. Ikea has good deals this time of year. I highly recommend.

If you do dispense justice and there are pesky witnesses nearby, you might want to talk to my friends at Goldman and Thomas LLP. They are great attorneys and specialize in assault charges. They've kept me out of the klink after several kick ass thanksgiving shopping weekends! Tell them I sent you.

Also if you are thinking about buying gift cards this year, I recommend you get a giant burlap sack with a dollar sign painted on it, so you can deposit and arbitrary amount of cash and give it directly to credit card companies or merchants. We wouldn't have this wonderful day of violence and discount electronics without them, so lets show them how much we care! After all, gift cards are great for their economy. They only made $8,000,000,000 in profits from small unspent balances last year alone. I'm confident we can get them up to $10,000,000,000 if we all stick together on this. YES WE CAN!

Oh...and one final thing. If you think Black Thursday is complete bullshit too then I recommend participating in "Buy Nothing Day." Hands down the easiest form of civic action: inaction. That's right, you can make a difference by sitting on your ass watching Maury Povich. Check out their website for more info.

And please, be safe this weekend. Happy Thanksgiving.

So this past weekend I met up with my friends at this bar on the North Side of Chicago, I would say they will remain annonymous in this piece, but the truth is, due to their stupidity I drank so much that I haven't the faintest idea what they are called. Red...Pub...Bar....? I have no clue.

Let me explain what happened. I arrive at this bar with a friend who is celebrating someones birthday (woohoo). They have a drink special where you pay $30 and it's open bar for the rest of the night. A pretty good deal by Chicago standards. I go up to the bar, wallet in hand to pay for my ticket to unlimited tequila heaven. The conversation with the bartender goes like this:

Jonesey: Hey, what's the special tonight? $30 all you can drink or something?
Bartender: Yeah, what do you want?
Jonesey: I'll take a tequila sunrise, can I put this on debit?
Bartender: I can't do it, you have to have my manager charge it.
Jonesey: Ok. Where is he?
Bartender: I don't know.
Jonesey: umm....okay.
Bartender: Just like ask one of the cocktail waitresses or something...